


When Everything's Made To Be Broken

by Dooka



Series: (just want you to know who i am) [1]
Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: A thing that was inspired by Troye Sivan lyrics, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunk Sex, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Multi, Non-Idol AU, Oops, Preferably from kookie, Tae just really needs a hug, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Yoonmin are goals, and basically spiraled down from there, and only like one scene, honestly idk what this is, not really tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-09-23 17:31:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9668744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dooka/pseuds/Dooka
Summary: In which meddling happens, a mess is made, and maybe two people can finally find love somewhere in the middle of it.OrJungkook is confused, Taehyung is a sad smol bean with a lot of feelings, the rest of Bangtan are so done with everything, and somehow, Taekook still manage to find love (or maybe realize it was there the whole time).





	1. Part I: Fall

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys. So this is my first fic EVER on this site...please don't judge me too too harshly...I tried.
> 
> I spent WAYYY longer on this than I ever wanted to, and parts 2 and 3 should be out soon (I hope...it's been like half a year since I started writing this which...shit)
> 
> (And for those wanting to know, the song lyrics are from WILD by Troye Sivan)

**_Part I:_ ** **Fall**

 

_You make my heart shake, bend and break,_

_But I can't turn away, and it's driving me wild,_

_You're driving me wild._

_Leave this blue neighbourhood,_

_Never knew loving could hurt this good, oh_

_And it drives me wild..._

 

**_..._ **

 

Taehyung has always liked cafes like this. Having a little drink of something warm (or cool depending on the season), the free wifi and the comfortable white noise that accompanies people working on laptops in a frustrated sort of frenzy, or those that leave in a rush, already on their way to the next stop of their day. It feels a lot like safety.

 

"Taehyung," says Jin, his light brown locks swept artfully out of his face, which is set in a concerned frown. Even with the frown twisting his pretty features, he still manages to be more lovely and graceful than all the girls in the cafe. Taehyung can see some of the girls casting Jin jealous looks. _‘It’s the BB cream’_ Taehyung wants to tell them _‘...and good genes.’_

 

“How’ve you been?” asks Jin softly, as he stirs his coffee absently.

 

He's beginning to lose count of how many times they've been through this.

 

“I already told you that I’m fine.” says Taehyung in reply.

 

(It’s the 27th time. He’s definitely counting.)

 

Their little ‘gatherings’ had begun after Jin had found out about his secret when they'd gotten drunk together one night. Jin had just broken up with his last girlfriend...or was it a boyfriend?

 

(Taehyung vaguely remembers giggling in the background during phone calls and Jin crashing at his and Jimin's apartment during fights.)

 

(But that's besides the point.)

 

Since Jin had found out, he'd taken to trying to look after the younger boy.

 

"You can't keep doing this to yourself." says Jin, not noticing that Taehyung has zoned out a little. "Just tell him."

 

"I _can't_ " replies Taehyung, like always. "It would-"

 

" _-might_ ruin your friendship, but have you seen yourself lately? You’re a mess! And anyways, who would better understand what you’re going through than your _best friend?_ ” Jin cuts him off in that no nonsense way that has had Taehyung’s friend group calling him mom the instant it was used.

 

"I'm fine," Taehyung replies, and for a minute he almost believes it. Jin's face looks weary and Taehyung feels bad for making him worry.

 

"When was the last time you talked to him?" asks Jin carefully, knowing he likely won't get further in this argument.

 

"A few days ago," says Taehyung swiping a hand over his face with a smile that feels awkward and almost wrong on his face. "He's just busy with her is all,"

 

"I don't understand. He has relationships with people all the time and they never last that long. Is this time different?"

 

It’s not. But maybe that’s what’s so terrible about it all. All this time, and he has had to watch Jungkook fall in love over and over, so much so that he’s become intimately familiar with the nuances of his smile and the crinkle of his eyes when he’s happy.

 

And maybe he has seen them directed at him before, but never in the same way.

 

(Never in the way he wants.)

 

His phone vibrates, rattling the table and startling him out of his thoughts.

 

 **_Can I come over?_ ** Glares the screen.

 

"I have to go," says Taehyung. Jin looks at him sympathetically.

 

"I'll see you around, Hyung" Taehyung says as he turns to go.

 

He’s going crazy thinking about him so much. Jungkook is probably straight. He is Taehyung’s best friend.

 

His heart still quivers at the thought of him.

 

**_..._ **

 

The thing is, Taehyung knows it isn't healthy to keep this bottled up, knows he shouldn't feel like this for Jungkook. But every time he sees him he's blown away by his feelings again. There’s a fire that builds in his gut whenever Jungkook is near, with his dorky love of anime (although he shares that, so he can’t really talk) and his strength and bunny teeth and the way he treats Taehyung like he's the only one Jungkook wants to be around when in a ‘mood’.

 

He doesn't think there was really a time when he fell for Jungkook especially, only that he got up one day and just _noticed_. The feeling in his chest going from a subtle warmth to almost painful. Maybe he was always in love with him and simply noticed too late. All Taehyung knows is that he wouldn't risk being able to be around him. For now, just being part of the select few that can bask in his light is enough.

 

 _‘God,’_ he thinks _‘I sounds like a preteen girl with her first crush.’_

 

His apartment is located only a short ways from the bus stop and he walks down the road as the sun begins to set. Cars drive past, most likely on their way home from work or going to places they want to be.

 

"Hyung?"

 

He turns. _Speak of the devil._

 

"Kookie," he says simply, smiling until he notices the look on Jungkook's face.

 

Jungkook is white as a sheet, his dark eyes shining with anger, his hair plastered to his forehead like he’d run a long way. He is clad in his customary plain white t-shirt and jeans under a large black hoodie.

 

"What happened?" he asks immediately, opening the door to his apartment wider and ushering Jungkook inside.

 

"Hyung she...she told me that I shouldn't even bother coming around for the next few weeks because she’s too busy to even think about wasting time on me." he says with clenched fists.

 

"Kookie. You should just leave her." whispers Taehyung softly, like speaking with a small child.

 

"But Hyung, she really is _it_ this time." Jungkook’s eyes are like shattered glass, despite his outward angry appearance, but the look in his eyes tell him that even he isn’t sure of that anymore.

 

 _‘From what I heard from you, all you do is argue about everything, then have makeup sex, anyways’._ Thinks Taehyung, although he doesn't say anything.

 

(He never says anything.)

 

“Cheer up Kookie! Come sit down, I’ll make us something to eat.” says Taehyung with as much energy as he can at seeing his best friend looking so sad, and turns to go into the kitchen.

 

He knows what will come next. Jungkook will stay incredibly close to him for exactly one week, and everything will feel normal until Jungkook gets a text and either goes back to whoever he's dating or gets so drunk that Taehyung has to go and pick him up from whatever seedy bar he’s found himself at.

 

He knows Jungkook better than anyone. He’s known him since he was thirteen and Jungkook eleven, has been with him through everything. Has loved him for longer than even he himself knows. He knows that he will watch this boy fall apart and come back to pick up the pieces each time. His chest aches, watching the light slowly die in Jungkook’s eyes, watching as little by little he becomes just as quiet as when they first met, a million years ago, in a little studio used by their middle school’s dance group.

 

Taehyung pulls out a pot and begins to fill it with water.

                

**_..._ **

 

If Taehyung could find the words to describe his feelings for Jungkook, he’d probably say something akin to drowning.

 

Sinking through the water peacefully, filling him with that calm feeling that hiding beneath the surface of the water in the bath brings, knowing that for a few minutes, the world can wait and he doesn’t need to think about anything, this coming to a panicked struggle to find which way is up when he finally realizes how deeply he’s sunk into love. If he is drowning, then Jungkook is his oxygen; filling him with enough happiness and peace that he can breathe again.

 

But sometimes, when it’s very quiet and the rest of the world is still and he watches the moon from his window, he thinks the way he loves Jungkook is slightly different. Jungkook burns so blindingly that he almost can’t bear to look, setting him aflame. If Jungkook is the fire, then Taehyung is the wind, desperately trying to blow out the flames but only succeeding in fanning them higher.

 

“Here we go,” says Taehyung with as bright a smile as possible. “Ramyun.”

 

As the boys dig into their food, Taehyung takes a moment to study Jungkook, even if he already knows Jungkook’s face, movements, and mannerisms like the back of his hand.

 

He is tall now, taller than Taehyung by a couple of centimetres and twice as bulky as his lanky frame had once been years ago, strong and everything that society might deem masculine, right down to the manpain on display in front of him. There are dark bags under his eyes, ones Taehyung knows are from long sleepless nights and fights with _her._

 

Taehyung’s not bitter, not at all. He knows he only has himself to blame. He’s the idiot that fell for his straight best friend when he knows that he has no chance, when he knows that one day, Jungkook will really find _the one_ for him and that will be that.

 

Okay, maybe he is a little bitter.

 

Looking at Jungkook’s carefully blank face that’s buried in his bowl of ramen, Taehyung can’t help but wonder, _‘Do we really not deserve nice things?’_

 

Jungkook notices him looking and pauses to give him a small sad smile. It’s genuine, if a bit forced, like he really does appreciate his presence.

 

Taehyung is selfish. If he can’t have what he wants, is existing like this (with Jungkook’s smiles and his company) enough to get him through?

 

In moments like this, with just the two of them and the light dimming and casting shadows on the walls, Taehyung might just believe it.

 

But tonight, something feels different. He thought he could do this. Stay by Jungkook's side silently caring for him behind-the-scenes. But, maybe it's something in the way Jungkook looks, so similar to all the times before this when he’d gotten dumped by another pretty girl; it’s too much and too little all at once. Maybe he’s crazy, but Taehyung feels the pull to Jungkook all too acutely tonight. And he _wants_.

 

Oh _god_ , does he _want_.

 

What it is that he wants he’s not quite sure anymore. Somewhere along the line, it stopped being his company, or his smiles, or his laughter, or the way he dances like he thinks no one’s watching, or even the way he sings (softly and almost under his breath, with a shy little smile, like a secret he’s sharing), and started to be his simple presence that he craved. Jungkook near him until the end of all things.

 

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” chuckles Jungkook teasingly.

 

(And if Taehyung thinks he’s imagining a light blush dusting his cheeks, that’s no one’s business but his own.)

 

Gaze averting to his soup, Taehyung stands abruptly, hoping his face isn’t as red as it feels.

 

“Here.” says Taehyung as he opens his liquor cabinet and holds out a bottle.

 

“Thanks, Hyung,” smiles Jungkook as he gets up to grab some glasses.

 

Somewhere along the line, one glass becomes two, becomes three, until the room is tilting and he can’t even walk straight, much less think straight.

 

“I....” slurs Jungkook “am druuuuunk,”

 

Taehyung giggles in reply “Me toooo,”

 

 _‘Even when I’m dead drunk he’s still pretty’_ thinks Taehyung _‘That's so not fair’_

 

“Aww...You’re pretty toooo, Hyung!” giggles Jungkook

 

Apparently he’d said it out loud. Oops.

 

“Yah, Hyung!” exclaims Jungkook as he wobbles his way over to Taehyung from where he’d been sitting across from him at coffee table.

 

When did they settle into his living room?

 

“Careful!” he slurs out as Jungkook stumbles and falls...

 

...right into his lap.

 

It’s suddenly unbearably hot in his little apartment. He’s sure his face is on fire. Jungkook is sprawled on his lap and leaning against his chest. He’s still aware enough to realize that Jungkook is straddling his lap, his head resting in the crook of his neck and his breath fanning out across his throat, making him shiver in arousal.

 

“Mmmmnhh,” mumbles Jungkook, his voice vibrating pleasantly against Taehyung’s chest.

 

“J-Jungkook-ah” whispers Taehyung as tensely as he can manage.

 

Jungkook hums in response, seemingly too sleepy to move from his spot perched against Taehyung.

 

“Don’t,” he warns quietly. His carefully crafted control is slipping. He just wants to hold Jungkook; to kiss him and love him.

 

Then Jungkook’s face is millimetres from his own as he raises his head to look at him through half-lidded eyes. All Taehyung would have to do is pucker his lips slightly and he’d be kissing Jungkook.

 

“Hyung,” whispers Jungkook with a hint of desperation in his dark, dark eyes.

 

Then suddenly Jungkook’s lips are on his and it’s suffocating, unbearably so. All he knows is Jungkook; his strong body pressed tight to Taehyung, his hands in Taehyung’s hair, the way he tastes of something citrus and sweet, the way he smells of alcohol and sleep and a little bit of something nameless. Something that is simply _Jungkook_ and Jungkook alone.

 

His brain stops trying to think straight when he registers the feeling of Jungkook’s lips moving against his just as passionately as he’d imagined. Full on and with every part of him.

 

The younger hums as the intensity climbs and some distant part of him screams that this is a very bad idea, but the mix of alcohol and arousal that’s singing through his veins ignores all this and allows him to drown in Jungkook.

 

**_..._ **

 

Taehyung groans as he rolls over slowly, the light in his bedroom is blocked out for the most part, except for the few rays that have slipped past his curtains and fallen across his face.

 

Snuggling back into the covers, his head feeling full of cotton and under a dull pressure, Taehyung almost falls back asleep.

 

He feels his nice firm pillow suddenly tense under his head and...

 

Wait. _What?_

 

Ignoring his blinding headache, he blearily opens his eyes a little to find a _very_ naked Jungkook lying on the other side of his bed, staring at him in what looks like pure, unadulterated horror.

 

“What the hell!?!” he hears Jungkook exclaim, his mouth seemingly having caught up with his mind.

 

Sitting up suddenly and ignoring the spinning of his head, Taehyung registers his own state of undress and the dull ache in his hips and ass and...‘ _Nope. This is not happening’._ He thinks absently.

 

“Did we?” begins Jungkook slowly, his eyes wide. It would be funny if it wasn’t so clear _why_ he was horrified. “Did we have _sex_?”

 

Racking his brain as hard as he can without aggravating his headache unnecessarily, Taehyung remembers flashes of heat and warmth and the feel of Jungkook’s skin under his hands and mouth, writhing and sighing happily...

 

 _‘Nope. It would absolutely not do to have an awkward boner right now. Jungkook looks terrified enough already.’_ He thinks and remembers his last clear thought: mumbling a distinct “I love you.” to him before passing out in the post-sex haze.

 

“Shit.” he says aloud.

 

“What... did you say you love me last night?” asks Jungkook urgently, his eyebrows furrowing in thought, looking like his worldview has been shattered forever.

 

"I...I," gulps Taehyung. He’s imagined a moment like this many times (although maybe not quite like this), but now that it’s here, he doesn’t know what to say, what to do.

 

"What?" asks Jungkook looking confused.

 

"I...I care about you,” says Taehyung, his voice getting louder. “I care about you more than anyone.”

 

 _‘Ah, screw it,’_ he thinks, throwing caution to the wind. It had been getting harder and harder to conceal anyways. In this hungover state with his heart pounding in his ears and Jungkook there, so close but so far, there’s really only one choice he can make.

 

"I-" says Jungkook. But Taehyung can’t stop now. Years and years worth of feelings come spilling from his lips. He hopes that Jungkook can’t see his beating heart being handed to him with shaking hands in the shine of his eyes, or hear the erratic beating of his heart in his voice.

 

“You go after all these girls, and you know how it always ends. They only break your heart.” says Taehyung. “It seems like you always care for them more than they care for you.”

 

The look on Jungkook’s face is cold, colder than has ever been directed at him before.

 

“I don’t see what that has to do with-” begins Jungkook again, his voice hard and icy.

 

"I just...I told you that I love you," blurts Taehyung as he feels the weight lift right off his chest. A weight he's been carrying for so long that he doesn’t realize it’s there until it’s gone. “And I meant it.”

 

 _‘Where is this crazy courage coming from?’_ he wonders absently, his head still feeling as though it’s been stuffed more than his pillows.

 

“Hyung...” says Jungkook lowly. Gone is the cold look, replaced with one of complete shock. His eyes are widened and lips parted slightly. He knows that Jungkook understands what he means. He always understands what Taehyung means when it counts.

 

"I’m sorry...” Taehyung takes a shaky breath and wills his voice not to break. He knows what Jungkook means too.

 

“I think I should...should go.” whispers Jungkook, scrambling to grab his clothes from off of Taehyung’s floor. “Don’t...just...just leave me alone for a while, okay?”

 

Even though he knew it was coming, Taehyung thinks that it’s so much worse than he ever could have imagined. He can’t look at Jungkook, can’t bear to see the look of disgust (or worse) on his face.

 

“...just give me some time to get over it." says Taehyung to Jungkook’s retreating back carefully as Jungkook practically runs out of his apartment, giving no indication he’d heard what Taehyung had just said.

 

He makes sure Jungkook is out of sight before the tears come to his eyes.

 

He tries not to let them fall, but the weight of what just happened is beginning to sink in. He sinks into his blankets and the sobs come bubbling from his lips before he can quench them. He wishes that his comforter would fold up so tight around him that he doesn’t have to think anymore. Soon he is crying so hard he can’t breathe. He assumes it’s what drowning feels like, for real.

 

 _‘Shit’._ He thinks distantly, ‘ _Shit’._

 

Ignoring the beginnings of what he imagines a panic attack feels like, he manages to hiccough himself into silence enough that he can throw on sweatpants and a t-shirt and make himself a mug of strong green tea leftover from Jimin’s last obsession with the stuff.

 

The air is cool on his face from the window he’d forgotten to close earlier. He can't believe how pretty the world is this afternoon. The lights dancing high in the sky and the low din of the world going about their day pleasantly, lazily, as if the world hasn't just ended.

 

 _‘He definitely can’t stand me now’._ He thinks distantly ‘ _I really ruined everything’._

 

He knows it's nearing mid afternoon at least, but it’s too early for dinner or to finish sleeping off his now light hangover. Thanking whatever deity out there that’s listening that he has no classes or shifts at work today, he turns the television to some re-run melodrama, thinking desperately of something, anything but Jungkook.

 

Three episodes of a melodrama he doesn’t remember anything about and two cups of tea later, Taehyung stands and makes himself a light dinner, going through the motions more than anything else.

 

His house is empty and he is too. He's almost too empty to feel how cold he is. He’d forgotten to close his damn window again. It’s times like these when he misses his best friend. When Jimin had still lived with him here, the older boy was always ready to talk about anything that may have been bothering him, no matter the hour or what he was doing.

 

“You’re important to me Taetae,” he’d always say.

 

Taehyung knows that if he called him, he’d be over in a flash to help him, but he also knows that Jimin is probably seeing Yoongi again for the first time today after their busy schedules working at an entertainment company; Yoongi as a producer and Jimin as an assisting choreographer. If Taehyung is honest with himself, he knows that they could have been idols themselves with all their talent.

 

But that just brings up thoughts of Jungkook’s talent and the passion he puts into whatever he does and how he’ll likely never again get to see the spark dance in his eyes when he’s feeling competitive or his lazy smirk and happy dance when he wins anything.

 

Eventually, he falls asleep watching drama reruns, snuggled deeply into his blankets and shivering.

 

They still smell like _him_. He remembers his smile and the way he’d felt under his tongue.

 

_‘Shit’._

 

He knows he’ll be getting no rest tonight. But why? Why is he so heartbroken over something that was never his?

  
_‘But it_ was _yours’._ Thinks Taehyung ‘ _maybe it wasn’t yours like_ that _. But it was still_ yours. _'_


	2. Part II: Sink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, all. As I already had this chapter mostly finished I thought I would post it now, while I still have the time. I'm about to get incredibly busy, so that means that chapter 3 may not be ready for while, oops.
> 
> Man, this chapter was a doozy, I literally rewrote it about five times before I was satisfied. it's still not perfect, but I doubt it ever will be so, here you go.
> 
> Also. Spring Day. I have no words. I absolutely love the song: just the mood, and the bridge...man. (unfortunately J-Hope had no lines but, he had two whole solo songs so I guess I can forgive that....)
> 
> The song at the beginning is THE QUIET by Troye Sivan.

**_Part II:_ ** **Sink**

 

_ This separation, time and space between us, _

_ For some revelation, you didn't care to discuss, _

_ I'd rather be black and blue, _

_ Than accept that you withdrew. _

_ Ah, just tell me,  _

_ Say anything, _

_ Anything hurts less than the quiet... _

 

**_..._ **

 

Taehyung hates that he always thinks of his life in stages of Jungkook, but most of them are, regardless of his feelings on the subject.

 

(“I’m Fine,” he remembers telling Jin at the cafe two days later, who had looked at him with the tired, sad eyes of someone who has been in his exact position.)

 

(Maybe too many times now.)

 

After realizing that he had finally lost Jungkook to his stupidity, probably for good, Taehyung continues on in a sort of daze. It doesn’t help that everywhere he goes, there are memories of Jungkook.

 

Walking along rivers and on streets, he remembers his giant smile and they way they’d shoved each other playfully when screwing around in these same places. Wandering through shopping malls and markets, he remembers Jungkook and him eating and laughing and making jokes over alcohol long into the night. Even going home to eat and sleep he remembers all the anime marathons, the comfortable silence when watching a movie, playing video games and goofing off. His job holds memories of Jungkook waiting outside the cafe with a cup of coffee and a shy grin, his girl of the week out of sight and out of mind. Hell, even his friends remind him of Jungkook; times when he’d felt on top of the world, like they were the only people on earth.  _ Simpler times. _

 

His only solace is the university; it’s big enough that he won’t run into Jungkook and as students from two different departments, they had never intersected much; except for when they’d met up with their collective friends that is.

 

(“I’m Fine, really,” he remembers telling Jimin, as he went out for a night time walk for the fifth straight night in a row. Jimin had come back to visit him for a couple days.)

 

(He felt Jin had had something to do with that.)

 

_ ‘It’s not that I don’t love my friends,’ _ Taehyung thinks _ ‘...but sometimes I need some time to myself.’ _

 

Which of course leads to him trying to remember how he ended up in this position.

 

“C’mon Tae” Jimin had said earlier that day, “Just let loose a little, you’ve been so distracted and brooding lately.”

 

“Oh, I don’t know, I’m kind of busy,” he had lied as he wiped down the table next to his friends’ customary one. The cafe was having a slow day today, but that didn’t mean much to Taehyung. The only people that frequented this cafe were starving artists, hipster types and university kids so hopped up on caffeine they could barely see straight, let alone write a proper paper.

 

“Kim Taehyung,” Jimin had said, his eyes widening in an attempt to look menacing. 

 

(Which is how he knew he was about to give in. Annoyed Jimin was just too adorable.)

 

And if Jimin just so happened to bring up the favour he owes Jimin for The Great Puppy Incident (how was he supposed to know that the puppies knew how to collectively open doors?), then that’s between him and Jimin.

 

And of course he had agreed. ‘ _ No one can refuse Jimin for too long anyways _ ,’ he comforts himself later. ‘ _ The boy is sunshine in physical form, I’m sure of it.’ _

 

“Seriously, I’m Fine.” he finds himself saying to Namjoon when he asks as Taehyung arrives. Namjoon appears to be on greeting duty tonight; he opens the door while holding a cup of what looks like beer but honestly smells like a combination of many unspeakable horrors.

 

The party is in full swing already, people mingling and laughing together in the living room of Yoongi’s small apartment. Normally, Taehyung and Jungkook would be front and centre together, laughing and having the time of their lives. He remembers how Jungkook’s eyes always twinkled brightly as they drunkenly sang along to a Big Bang song; obnoxiously loudly and not caring if they were on key. 

 

Today though, he thinks Jungkook hasn’t even noticed him come in as he is too busy tasting some pretty girl’s tonsils. It’s a different girl from the other times, he thinks, but they all look the same to him, really. Her hands are in his hair and he pulls her tighter against him, as if no one is watching or everyone is too drunk to care.

 

“Thanks,” he says as he steals someone’s drink (was that the guy from his World Lit seminar?) and downs it in one go, the guy mumbling something incoherent before stumbling away.

 

“Give me another,” he says to Jimin as he walks into the kitchen, as far away as possible from the sight of whatever _the_ _hell_ that is. He doesn’t notice Jimin’s sympathetic look or the careful way he hands him a cup full of some sort of alcohol.

 

He downs the contents of the cup in one gulp and accepts another as he settles in on the kitchen counter near enough to Yoongi and Jimin who continue making drinks.

 

Soon it’s close to what Taehyung thinks is two in the morning. He’s not really sure how much alcohol he’s consumed tonight, only that his chest still feels tight, and hasn’t stopped hurting. He’s also still thinking pretty clearly so it can’t have been that much...

 

‘ _ God,’  _ he thinks, if a little fuzzily _ ‘I sound like I’ve been dumped or cheated on. What is this?’ _

 

Jungkook and the girl have disappeared, he notes. Presumably they’ve gone somewhere to properly  _ appreciate  _ each other.

 

_ ‘God, I’m going to be sick _ ,’ he thinks with a sigh  _ ‘and not just from the smell of all the drunken messes’ _

 

“Taehyung,” says a voice gruffly.

 

A dark shock of hair and a grumpy face swim into view as he blinks his eyes open and sits up from where he’d been leaning morosely against the cabinets behind him on the counter. Min Yoongi, destined to be the world’s grumpiest, bitterest grandfather. The one person to love Park Jimin and deserve it, even if he himself has never believed that.

 

“Yeah?” sighs Taehyung tiredly.

 

Yoongi narrows his eyes further (if that’s even possible) as if looking for something in Taehyung’s empty eyes.

 

“Are you okay?” he asks finally, not unkindly, but not softly either.

 

With how many times he’s heard this question the past two weeks, Taehyung is so sick of it.

 

_ ‘How do you  _ think  _ I am?’  _ He wants to shout, but he knows that none of his Hyungs know what’s happened between Jungkook and him.

 

“I am. Fine, I mean” he grumbles to Yoongi quietly, instead. “I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back later,”

 

He can still walk in a (mostly) straight line and while pretty buzzed he isn’t quite tipsy. Slipping out of the party before Jimin can notice or Yoongi or the other hyungs can stop him, Taehyung takes a deep breath of fresh air. For the first time all night, he can breathe freely, not feeling like he’d just gotten a brick to the chest.

 

He wanders around a little aimlessly, his thoughts turning to the night and to the coolness on his skin instead of Jungkook and the girl.

 

(Anything but that.)

 

**_..._ **

 

He doesn’t even make it out of the yard before a girl is beside him. Ignoring his buzzing skin that comes with restlessness to be elsewhere, he smiles and tries not to look like he’s drowning on dry land.

 

She smiles in the same way, her soft, pale face looking eerie in the lights from the house.

 

“Cold night, are you okay?” asks Taehyung.

 

“Well, I really need to just...not think tonight. Do you think you can help me out?” she asks in response.

 

(He pretends not to see the heartbreak in her eyes. At least he isn’t the only one with issues here tonight.)

 

He nods. “Sure,” 

 

Then she’s kissing him, _ hard _ , with a passion that reminds him of Jungkook. She smells sweetly of honey, sourly of alcohol and tastes sharply of mint. Her lips are soft and frantic and he can’t help but compare them to the feel of Jungkook’s. It feels weird, almost wrong.

 

(He lets her kiss him anyways.)

 

“Wanna go somewhere else?” she giggles, clearly a little buzzed herself.  

 

(Though judging by the pain still clear in her eyes, not nearly enough.)

 

“There’s a decent hotel about four blocks from here. I can give us a ride.” She winks a sparkly eyelid, her lightly coloured hair, frosted a bright neon pink colour at the tips, flouncing as she turns to lead him to her car.

 

“Sure.” he shrugs. If she can make him forget, or distract him in return, then all the better for both of them.

 

“Kim Taehyung.” he mumbles in a belated introduction, as they get in her car.

 

“Bae Joohyun.” she says as they drive away. 

 

“Okay, nice to meet you.” he replies as she inclines her head politely. They don’t say anything else. He can tell that they both don’t want to make anything of this. Only something to forget and distract themselves for just a little while.

 

_ ‘This is probably not healthy.’  _ He thinks absently, but can’t bring himself to care. He may be using her, but she’s using him too. It’s this thought that keeps him moving forward when they arrive. Not to mention, the alcohol he’d consumed is thrumming pleasantly through his veins, giving everything a lighter quality, like it’s not real.

 

They get a room and she kisses him. It’s hard and fast and empty and Taehyung kisses her back. But he closes his eyes and all he can see is  _ Jungkook _ , not with the girl at the party tonight, but from  _ that night,  _ with his eyes sparkling and beautiful, and maybe, just maybe, a little in love with him, too.

 

He imagines it’s Jungkook under him, urging him on. He can’t remember that much of the one time they’d had, as drunk as he had been. But he remembers bits and pieces; flashes of the sounds Jungkook had made and the feel of him, the heat and the expressions he’d made, like Taehyung was the only one that knew how to wreck him so perfectly.

 

(“Seulgi!” the girl exclaims once or twice.)

 

(He hopes she ignores the way he whimpers and groans Jungkook’s name in return.)

 

He wonders if this is his life now as he cleans himself up in the bathroom, redressing and leaving the room after wishing her good night. He hopes he hasn’t been gone long enough for the others to notice. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep after they were finished, but he’d been so tired that he’d simply passed out.

 

_ ‘Will I become one of those people?’  _ He wonders as he makes his way to the street. 

 

A million girls (and maybe boys) that come and go, loving each of them but somehow  _ not _ at the same time, because they don’t have whatever it is that he desperately needs (and, for some reason, he can’t seem to find anywhere), drowning himself in alcohol and whatever will stop him thinking...

 

He thinks it might be somewhere near four in the morning now, as he finally steps back outside. He’s become intimately familiar with the way the sky darkens before dawn on the nights when he can’t sleep, his mind too loud and crowded.

 

“Yah!” he hears through his musings “Kim Taehyung!” 

 

Looking over his shoulder he spots Hoseok’s pick-up truck, the dark blue sparkling faintly in the faded lights of whatever hotel he’d been found in front of.

 

“Hi Hyung,” mumbles Taehyung tiredly as he makes his way over to the car, his fingers fumbling with the door handle. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I was worried about you obviously, you brat.” says Hoseok. “Let’s get you home.”

 

“Sorry,” he says, struggling to hold his voice steady and trying to pass off a stray tear as an itch on his face. Taehyung slowly climbs into the passenger seat.

 

Hoseok sighs and Taehyung watches the older boy as he starts the car in silence.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” asks Hoseok, as they pull up outside of his apartment. Taehyung fumbles in his pockets to find his keys before hopping out.

 

“I promise I’m  _ fine _ , Hyung,” says Taehyung with a forced smile adorning his face.

 

The light casts shadows across Hoseok’s face, making him look older and more mature somehow.

 

He can tell Hoseok doesn’t entirely believe him, but also isn’t willing to press it. Taehyung feels lucky that he hasn’t had to face all of the other boys together yet, he’d never be able to withstand the concerned gazes and quiet inquiries they’d give him.

 

**_..._ **

 

“Kim Taehyung,” says Jin as he storms into his apartment. 

 

Taehyung rolls over with a start and sits up from where he had passed out on the couch the previous night. Jin is followed by Namjoon, who is rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, probably having been woken by Jin not long ago.

 

“It’s been a month.” Continues Jin. Despite the probably early hour (the sun says somewhere around seven which is honestly  _ ungodly _ on a Saturday) he still manages to glow and look completely refreshed and put together.

 

“Jin-Hyung?” says Taehyung in bewilderment, “Namjoon-Hyung?”

 

“Yah, Taehyung-ah.” comes Yoongi’s gravelly voice as he saunters in behind Jin and Namjoon, looking like he’d much rather be literally anywhere else.

 

“You shouldn’t worry your Hyungs like this,” scolds Hoseok as he follows Yoongi, his arms crossed in silent judgement.

 

“What are you talking about?” asks Taehyung.

 

“What happened between you and Jungkook?” asks Jimin as he shuts the door and makes his way over to the Hyungs.

 

“Nothing,” says Taehyung, pulling the blanket that’s draped over the back of the couch around himself. It suddenly occurs to him how cold it is in his apartment. He’d probably forgotten to turn up the thermostat again.

 

“Taehyung-ah,” says Jin as the boys gather around. Yoongi and Jin sit on either side of him, Jimin and Namjoon at their feet and Hoseok claiming the armchair.

 

As some feeling trickles into his frozen limbs, he takes in the looks on their faces; Jin looks stern and serious, Namjoon searching his expression for something, Yoongi glancing between him and Jimin, who leans his head against his feet lightly in a show of support. Hoseok is watching Taehyung carefully, like he might bolt from the room at first chance.

 

(‘ _ Well, he isn’t exactly wrong...’  _ thinks Taehyung.)

 

“You should just tell him how you feel.”  says Hoseok tiredly, finally breaking the silence. “We all know anyways, Taehyung-ah,”

 

Jerking around to face Jin, Taehyung opens his mouth to quickly give his Hyung a tongue lashing before, “They all figured it out, and came to me.”

 

“...Was it really that obvious?” winces Taehyung with a sigh, his angry panic dying on his tongue.

 

“Yes,” sighs Yoongi with a roll of his eyes.

 

“You should just tell him.” says Jimin.

 

“I know you said it might make your friendship weird but...” Here Jin pauses, studying Taehyung’s face.

 

It’s amazing how at this moment with them all surrounding him, Taehyung feels warmer than he has since Jungkook left him in an empty bed all those days ago. He smiles a little smile, but at least this time, he can say he means it.

 

“You told him already didn’t you?” says Jin finally, as he presses his fingers to Namjoon’s neck almost absently.

 

The others whip their heads around to face Taehyung, varying degrees of shock on their faces.

 

“You did? Wow kid. That’s ballsy,” blurts Yoongi as he absently plays with Jimin’s hair.

 

“We...it was more than that,” he says detachedly, staring at his hands and not bothering to try to conceal what happened. His heart is too tired and heavy to bother trying to lie to them about it. They’d probably learn about it from Jungkook one way or another, anyways. Besides that, he’s never really been able to lie to them. 

 

“But that doesn’t matter. We were drunk off our asses anyways.”

 

“You...” Jimin’s eyes are wide.

 

“Geez kid, and he just stopped talking to you?” asks Yoongi, his eyes narrowing.

 

“When I asked him what was going on, all he said was that you decided you both needed a bit of space, like you’re highschool sweethearts or something,” says Jimin.

 

“He doesn’t feel that way about me,” says Taehyung staring at the dark television screen.

 

( _ ‘Could you swallow me up now?’  _ He pleads internally, ‘ _ Please?’ _ )

 

“...and?” prompts Jin.

 

“And I need to learn how to live with that. He told me to leave him alone. So I will.” 

 

“You really  _ do _ sound like highschool sweethearts,” grumbles Yoongi. “ _ Gross. _ ”

 

_ ‘Like you can talk,’ _ thinks Taehyung petulantly ‘ _ Need I remind you that you literally wrote two whole notebooks of sappy love lyrics about Jimin, like some pining preteen girl. Don’t think I’ll just forget about  _ that _ , Min Yoongi.’ _

 

“How about I make us some food, I’m sure you’re all hungry.” says Jin. Taehyung watches him in the dark reflection of the still dark television screen as he motions behind Taehyung’s back for them to all follow him into the kitchen.

 

After a second of debate, Taehyung turns on the television and absently watches. He isn’t really sure what’s even playing, but the background noise is more than enough to block out any surface thoughts he will definitely have about what his friends are inevitably plotting, what Jungkook is doing now...

 

But that’s the thing isn’t it? He was given a taste of everything he’d ever wanted and more, given hope that it might actually work out and had it ripped away in one look at Jungkook’s uncomfortable face.

 

He hadn’t had another night like the one with that girl. In the morning when his headache had subsided and rationality returned, he realized how bad an idea it had been. Unhealthy coping mechanisms and all that good fun stuff.

 

(Great, now Jungkook sounds like a drug.)

 

(He is, if Taehyung’s honest with himself.)

 

He doesn’t know what Jin is telling them, but they’ve never really been great actors. Taehyung has simply known them all too long. He knows when they’re trying to hide things from him.

 

They settle back into their seats and he sees Yoongi hiding a smile in his hand in the television screen’s reflection, Jimin and Hoseok are watching the television like it will tell them the secret to life. Namjoon and Jin stay in the kitchen.

 

_ ‘So that’s how it is’ _ thinks Taehyung,  _ ‘What are you planning, Jin?’ _

 

“Namjoonie and I have urgent business to attend.” calls Jin as he puts a bowl of ramen, meat and vegetables on the table in front of Taehyung. They waltz out the door quickly and Namjoon smiles just a bit too widely to be natural.

 

And as if waiting for the cue, everyone stands to leave.

 

“You two need to talk this out. You’re both moping around like you’ve broken up with each other after a long-term relationship.” Says Yoongi finally as he stretches and stalks out the door, Hoseok hot on his heels.

 

“There’s nothing to talk about. Besides, I’m sure he’s perfectly happy with whichever girl it is that he’s with now.” calls Taehyung without looking away from the television, although he does reach forward to pick up the food.

 

Jimin pauses in the doorway on the way out. He has always been closest to Taehyung, always the first to know his secrets. There was a time when he thought that maybe it would be him and Jimin; together  _ forever _ . But he knows that wouldn’t have worked out. They don’t have the same flame as Jimin and Yoongi. They’re too alike to balance each other out. Being best friends is  _ so _ much better for them.

 

“You’re only hurting yourselves by not talking about this.” says Jimin lowly.

 

“I don’t even know what to say to him anymore,” says Taehyung honestly, after a long pause.

 

“Try the truth.”

 

“I did.” mutters Taehyung under his breath. “And just look at where  _ that _ got me...”

 

Though the television is still on, blocking out the silence, Taehyung wishes that Jungkook could be with him, having an anime marathon together like always, on just another lazy morning.

 

**_..._ **

 

The streets are quiet at this time of night. It’s the time perfectly suited to highway driving, where there is no one and nothing and all is silent.

 

(It sucks when you don’t want to think.)

 

“Jimin?!” calls Taehyung as he trudges up the steps and uses his key to enter Yoongi’s apartment “You called?”

 

The hallway is dark and he can’t hear the television, which is strange. He pauses in the hallway listening for Jimin’s laughter or Yoongi’s low rumbling voice.

 

“I’m sorry, Taetae,” 

 

Spinning about quickly, he sees that Jimin and Yoongi are standing behind him in the hallway. 

 

“Don’t forget the advice we gave you,” says Yoongi before shoving him backwards into a room before he can react.

 

The door slams shut and the lock clicks into place and Taehyung _ knows  _ what this is.

 

“YAH PARK JIMIN! MIN YOONGI!” He shouts anyways, even if he knows that they won’t back out of this now.

 

“You aren’t coming out until you sort yourselves out.” replies Yoongi, “I’m tired of dealing with your dumb dancing around each other.”

 

“We’ll be back soon!” calls Jimin as Taehyung hears the front door swing shut with a click.

 

_ ‘Damn it,’ _ he thinks ‘ _ Does that mean...’ _

 

He spins around and comes face to face with Jungkook, frozen atop the covers of the bed, his phone in hand and casting eerie shadows across his face, making his jawline look sharp enough to cut glass. Though his posture is mostly relaxed, like he has not a care in the world, Taehyung has known Jungkook long enough to notice the paleness  of his face, the slightly puffy bags under his eyes from a lack of sleep and the eyes wide with shock. His eyes are glassy in this light, like sparkling diamonds threatening to spill from his eyes. He looks every bit as wrecked as Taehyung knows he does.

 

_ ‘It’s obviously the light,’  _ Taehyung berates himself. ‘ _ Don’t just see what you want to.’ _

 

“Ah-uh...Hi Hyung,” comes that soft voice that he would know anywhere.

 

Taehyung turns his eyes resolutely to the floor and walks past the bed to the window to stare out into the never ending darkness, wishing it would take him away. Take everything away so he can finally be rid of the pain in his chest whenever he thinks about Jungkook, can stop seeing him sticking his tongue down other people’s throats or imagining him being undone by someone else. Or worse, being undone by Taehyung himself, knowing that something like that could never happen.

 

“Sorry they’ve dragged you into this.” says Taehyung, pushing his thoughts away abruptly. “You can just ignore me until they come back.”

 

He presses his back to the wall under the window. Jungkook is looking at him strangely, not quite in a way he’s seen from him. It’s something like awkwardness and something like fear. 

 

It makes his stomach churn uncomfortably, and he has to turn his gaze to the floor under him. The wood paneling is fairly clean and scuffed a little just to the right of his palm. He figures that he can reach out and feel it if he stretches a little.

 

“Actually...Can we...can we talk?” asks Jungkook timidly, his dark hair falling in front of his face as he stares at the sheets under him, dragging his hand across the top like he’s enchanted. Taehyung can imagine him handling his girls that way, can remember the way it felt on his own skin.

 

He quickly shuts that train of thought down, again.

 

“What is there to talk about?” asks Taehyung as emotionlessly as he can, hoping that if Jungkook doesn’t look up, he won’t see Taehyung’s shattered heart in his eyes. Even if he knows that nothing will come of this, he also knows it’s far too late to have everything go back to the way that it was.

 

“I’m sorry,” whispers Jungkook, sounding as ruined as Taehyung feels. “ _ God _ , I’m  _ so sorry _ .”

 

“For what?” 

 

(Because, really, how is he supposed to respond to  _ that _ ?)

 

There is a pregnant pause, as though Jungkook doesn’t even know what he’s sorry for. And this is wrong. So, so wrong. Jungkook has never looked at him awkwardly or anything short of warm and affectionate. 

 

_ ‘Before you screwed everything up.’  _ he thinks.

 

“For everything.”

 

_ For hurting you,  _ is what he hears in the quivering of Jungkook’s voice. He can see it in the way he hunches his wide shoulders, and they way his hands twist the bed sheets.

 

“It’s fine.” he whispers, barely audible. 

 

(It’s not.)

 

A tear traces its way down his cheek, then another, and soon they’re flooding down his face, his shoulders shaking in an effort to keep quiet. 

 

He feels pathetic for crying over this, like some neurotic teen with a broken heart over their first love.

 

“T-Taehyung...you’re crying.” says Jungkook numbly, as though he can’t find the words to say anything else.

 

Taehyung settles down on the floor, looking decidedly away from Jungkook’s stricken face.

 

“I’m going to sleep. Wake me if they come back.” says Taehyung as he curls up on the floor, suddenly thankful he still has his sweater for a pillow and his long jacket for an improvised blanket.

 

Jungkook says nothing. He doesn’t have to.

 

He drifts off to sleep fitfully, ignoring Jungkook’s gaze on his back and wishing he could stop thinking.

  
(‘ _ Honestly _ .’ He thinks before embracing the dark,  _ ‘screw you,  _ feelings _ ’. _ )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. Poor Taetae man. It definitely gets worse before it gets better, the night is darkest before the dawn and all that.
> 
> But remember, "The morning will come again, Because no darkness, No season, Can last forever"
> 
> Okay, okay, I'm done. 
> 
> The next update could come at any point in the next half a year-ish, depending on when I find time to write. I have about half the chapter so far, but I haven't found any time to just sit and write for a while, so it might be a while yet before it gets done.
> 
> Wish me luck!


	3. Part III: Drown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Okay, I know I said soon and I'm sorry for not updating this sooner, but I really haven't had much time to get to it, and it's probably not very good for my mental health if I'm trying to push everything.
> 
> Not to mention, this chapter was especially hard to write because it came out very ramble-y the first time. So much so, that I effectively scrapped the first version, did multiple rewrites, and then moved a lot of things around to try and make it a little clearer narrative-wise. 
> 
> I have no clue if I succeeded or not. I'm sorry if it just seems like a really sad jumbled mess, but I think it's about as good as I can get it right now.
> 
> Also, I want to thank all those people that commented and left kudos, you guys rock! :)
> 
> Anyways, without further ado, Part III!
> 
> (The song at the beginning is TALK ME DOWN by Troye Sivan.)

**_Part III:_ ** **Drown**

 

_So if you don't mind, I'll walk that line,_

_Stuck on the bridge between us._

_Gray areas and expectations,_

_But I'm not the one if we're honest, yeah._

_But I wanna sleep next to you..._

_And I wanna be close to you._

 

**_..._ **

 

It’s too bright. Taehyung rolls over groggily and grunts in annoyance. He’d clearly forgotten to shut his drapes, _again_. Seeing no point in just lying there if he’s already awake, his eyes slowly blink open, the world coming into focus, if a little brighter than usual.

 

‘ _Oh,_ ’ he thinks awkwardly, as last night’s events catch up with him. ‘ _That is_ not _my ceiling,_ ’

 

He thinks the floor under him feels oddly soft until he realizes that at some point he’d been put in the bed, his jacket over his legs and his sweater folded neatly on top of the covers that encircle him.

 

SItting up, he takes in the rest of his surroundings, he notices that the door is open and Jungkook is gone. He feels immeasurably empty and angry and sad all at the same time, like with the amount of emotional bullshit he’s experienced over the past few months, he may just bleed to death of it.

 

(It’s still freezing, anyways.)

 

“Tae.”

 

He looks up to find Jimin standing in the once empty doorway, holding a cup of what he identifies as hot cocoa by the way the smell wafts invitingly into his nostrils. He can’t even find the strength to muster up any anger towards Jimin for what’s happened. But then again, he’s never been able to stay mad at Jimin for very long, anyways.

 

(Or _anyone_ for that matter, but that’s just part of his _charm,_ okay?)

 

“Thanks.” he says, accepting the mug without a word and taking a sip. “What happened?

 

(It burns on the way down his throat, but it’s not the only thing burning, he can feel the telltale pressure behind his eyes.)

 

“Well, when we got back, you were tucked into the bed and Jungkook had climbed out the window.” says Jimin carefully, nervously fidgeting with the covers under his fingers.

 

“I was?” asks Taehyung, unbelieving that Jungkook would willingly come near him again, let alone carry him to the bed and tuck him in.

 

“Yeah...Are you guys okay now?” asks Jimin brightly

 

“Jiminnie.” says Taehyung quietly “I don’t think we’ll ever be okay again.”

 

He stares into the swirling brown liquid in his cup as if it will tell him how to continue with his life as before everything that had happened.

 

“What?” begins Jimin with a creased brow. “I’m so sure that he-”

 

“I don’t think you understand.” says Taehyung bitterly without looking up. “He’s never looked at me that way in the first place. It’s always just been me and my feelings. And now he doesn’t know how to deal with me anymore.”

 

“He loves to watch anime with you, waits for you after work, you eat and drink together all the time, he practically lives in the apartment, you talk about everything, and out of all of us you guys hang out the most, even more than _Yoongi and I_ ; and we’re _dating_ . Honestly, if I didn’t know any better I’d assume that you already _were_ dating.” lists Jimin on his fingers.

 

Taehyung takes another sip of his hot cocoa and almost smiles. It had been a tradition when he was younger that whenever he was a particular kind of upset, his mom would make him hot cocoa. He can’t believe that Jimin still remembers after he’d told him once, years ago.

 

“That’s not _nothing_.” continues Jimin, unaware of Taehyung’s sudden nostalgia.

 

Suddenly, Taehyung is reminded of Jimin’s pale cheeks flushed bright red and Yoongi’s intense stares to the back of Jimin’s head when he’d thought no one was looking. He remembers the pages upon pages of lyrics about remaining unnoticed but loving deeply anyways, and late night dance sessions with so many new dances dedicated to Min Yoongi that Taehyung lost count. But most of all, he remembers the way the two seemed to gravitate to each other, even before they’d started officially dating.

 

“I don’t think it’s possible to spend as much time together as you two do,” smiles Taehyung sadly. “I knew it right away too, you know? You would just light up whenever he was there.”

 

He takes another sip of his drink and let’s the hot cocoa’s magical healing properties fill him with strength and warmth.

 

“Oh Tae,” says Jimin as he leans his head against Taehyung’s shoulder in solidarity and comfort. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“I should be mad at you.” says Taehyung as an answer.

 

“Let’s go and watch _Haikyuu!!._ ” says Jimin in response, leading him into the living room where Yoongi is waiting with the anime already queued up, and some food on the coffee table. As they enter, Yoongi reaches up, presses a quick, tender kiss to Jimin’s lips and shifts over to allow Jimin to press Taehyung between them on the couch, reaching around the both of them warmly, without a word.

 

And just like that, everything’s okay between them again.

 

(Not that it’d really been _not_ okay.)

 

(But it’s moments like these, where Taehyung realizes that he’s _damn_ lucky to have friends like Jimin and Yoongi.)

 

**_..._ **

 

Things pretty much go back to normal after ‘The Closet Incident’ as Taehyung has dubbed it, although he finds that he spends less time alone, or miserably drowning in his own mind. Hoseok finds time to goof off more often, Yoongi invites him out to eat with him and Jimin more, Namjoon and Jin spend hours at a time in his house, and, of course, Jimin drags him everywhere when he has the time.

 

(He fully intends to milk their sympathy for as long as possible. He wonders if they think he has no idea that they’re acting strangely around him, like he will break with a single word.)

 

(He sincerely hopes this is not the case. He already seems to have become a weepy child, no sense in letting everyone else know that as well.)

 

Their attempts to cheer him up, not-so-subtly, fill him with both warmth and mirth at their hilarious attempts to stay casual and non-invasive, even if he tries to bring up his happy energy levels as a result.

 

(It’s not everyday he can convince his Hyungs to buy him food like this, after all.)

 

It’s about two weeks later that he sees Jungkook again.

 

He’s coming back from dinner with his friends, (Well, except for Jungkook, who none of them have really been able to contact. Not that his friends would be likely to tell him if they could, anyways.) and is just slipping the door open when he’s abruptly grabbed by the wrist from behind and unceremoniously dragged inside, the door shutting with a resounding slam.

 

( _‘The neighbours will sure be impressed,’_ he thinks absently)

 

Whirling around, ready to take on whoever it is that’s grabbed him, he realizes he knows the feel of these hands.

 

(Almost _too_ well, really.)

 

Taehyung takes in Jungkook’s appearance as he stands in front of him, Jungkook’s hand still encircling Taehyung’s wrist. His face has a nasty bruise decorating his left cheekbone and his lip is split slightly, the blood barely dried and not quite scabbed over yet. His hands are shaking, but his eyes are determined and contain that fierce spark that he’d fallen in love with a million years ago.

 

“Jungkook?” asks Taehyung, as his mouth catches up to his brain. “Are you okay? What are you-”

 

“We need to talk,” whispers Jungkook hoarsely. “Just let me say something to you. Please.”

 

“What? Like last time?” asks Taehyung drily, his happy expression held in place, but his good mood dissipating.

 

“Yes...No.” says Jungkook, his adam's apple bobbing tantalizingly. “I don’t know how to say this.”

 

“I think maybe you should go.” says Taehyung, after a moment of painful silence, pulling back and out of Jungkook’s grip, despite the pain in his chest. He knows that having Jungkook here again, so close but so far will only hurt him more in the end. He needs to heal and get over Jungkook first, to learn how to look at him without the feelings that being in love with him bring, or remembering how he looked coming undone in his arms.

 

(‘ _I’m so_ cheesy’ he mentally groans.)

 

Jungkook takes a deep breath in and lets it out again, clenching his hands into fists that Taehyung can see are raw and dirty and covered in rocks and dust, like he’d had a fight with a brick wall and lost. He looks as if his world has ended.

 

Then Jungkook’s eyes meet his, shining and shattered like glass, reflecting his own impossibly sad eyes back at him.

 

(Who is he kidding? He’ll never be able to get over Jungkook.)

 

Then Jungkook opens his mouth and everything simply stops.

 

“I think I...I might have feelings for you.”

 

_Wait..._

 

_What?!_

 

Taehyung’s breath hitches. Has he even breathed in the last five seconds? He can’t remember. Or has it been five years since he’s last breathed? The world could have continued spinning for five _thousand_ years and he would’ve still been completely oblivious.

 

“You know I’ve never been good with words.” blurts Jungkook, as if he’s not just fried Taehyung’s brain no more than five seconds ago. As if he’s not just uprooted a number of feelings and thoughts that he doesn’t wish to examine. “I’ve never known how to use them like Yoongi-Hyung or Namjoon-Hyung when they make songs, but I hope I can do this right, just once.”

 

“Okay, hold on. Wait a minute. Did you just...did you just say that you-you have _feelings_ for me?” Taehyung wonders if he sounds as shocked as he feels. He thinks his face is red; he can feel the heat from his cheeks spreading down his neck towards his navel.

 

“I’ve known since we first met that you were special.” continues Jungkook, as if he hadn’t spoken.

 

(And _God_ if his life hasn’t become some kind of YA romance novel.)

 

Taehyung has always known the same, though, whether it was while he was sure of his love for Jungkook or not. Taehyung has always known Jungkook _is_ the most important person, and will _always_ be the most important person in his life (outside his family, of course).

 

“I just...I didn’t know how to react, after... _that_ . I mean, you’re always so bright and amazing and our friendship is good; so good. All those other girls, I tried to love them. _God_ , did I try. But every time, it was always ‘you don’t really care about me’ or ‘if you want to talk about Taehyung so much all the time, why don’t you just date him instead’ or, my favourite, ‘it's obvious that you’d rather have _him_ here than me’. I just...I don’t know anything anymore.”

 

He looks so conflicted, his eyes cast to the floor, his hands clenching into fists as if to somehow physically force the words out. To Taehyung, it feels a lot like a rejection, even if he hasn’t said the words.

 

“So...I guess you really do hate me that much.” whispers Taehyung, a traitorous tear welling up and trailing its way down his cheek.

 

“What?” Jungkook suddenly shoots him an adorably confused look.

 

(Sometimes, Taehyung thinks that Jungkook is so beautiful that it hurts.)

 

(This is one of those times.)

 

“After everything we’ve been through. You’re just here because you _know_ you don’t feel the same way about me that I do about you and you feel guilty about that and annoyed that I always seem to chase your girls away. Well, you know what? I don’t need your _pity_ , Jeon Jungkook.” Taehyung spits as he begins retreating from Jungkook, keeping his front to him, but his eyes on the floor, unable to look up and see whatever lies in Jungkook’s eyes.

 

He’s reminded vividly of the last time they’d ‘talked’. But this time, he knows that if Jungkook tells him to walk away from him, he will. And he will never see Jungkook’s mischievous, smiling face again.

 

(And if his heart suddenly feels like it’s burning in protest, well, that’s no one’s business but his own.)

 

“Hyung...”

 

A quick glance up confirms that Jungkook is reaching out to him, maybe to place a hand on him somewhere; to soothe him like he always has. Or maybe it’s to pull Taehyung into him. They’ve always been a tactile pair, the two of them.

 

( _‘Don’t be so pathetic,’_ Taehyung berates himself internally as he realizes that he’s begun leaning in towards Jungkook’s hands, anxious to feel his touch again.)

 

“Don’t. If you don’t feel the same way just...give me some time and a bit of space. I’ll get over you, and then we can go back to normal again.” says Taehyung lowly, knowing full well that everything he’s saying is a lie. There will be no miraculous getting over him. That much he can admit now.

 

“ _Please_ , Hyung.” whispers Jungkook, his voice far closer than he should be.

 

Taehyung’s head snaps up at that, and oh.

 

_Oh._

 

Jungkook is a breath away from him now, his hands hovering just over his shoulders, but not quite touching, as if he isn’t quite sure if he has permission anymore. It takes physical effort not to reach out and touch the boy in front of him. Jungkook’s just as he’s always remembered him, solid and bright and utterly breathtaking, leaving Taehyung feeling like he’s drowning again, but this time, he’s struck by just how alright he is with that. He’d drown a thousand times over and even _burn down the world_ if it meant that he could stay next to Jungkook.

 

“And what if I said I didn’t want everything to just be normal again?” says Jungkook again, his voice dangerously tremulous, as his hands ghost slowly down Taehyung’s arms, leaving gooseflesh in their wake.

 

“Please Jungkook-ah, just decide. Either love me, or be my friend. But for the love of God...don’t do both.” Taehyung whispers, and it feels rather like an end.

 

“I can’t. I just-I know that I couldn’t bear it if we...If I never get to be next to you, again.” rambles Jungkook “I know that I’ll screw this up. I just...I’ve never known how to _love_ someone in that way and...”

 

Taehyung backs out of Jungkook’s reach as he prepares for the confirmation of things he always knew were true.

 

In most instances, his easy optimism is the driving force behind his happiness, his energy and his numerous friendships; all the things that keep him together. And yet, with Jungkook here, about to crush the air from his lungs with his beautiful _everything_ , he wishes he were more cynical and jaded, if only to spare himself some pain.

 

He’s about to lose his best friend because of a drunken incident (it could never be a mistake to Taehyung) that was spawned by one of his best friend’s own girlfriends, that apparently he didn’t even love or care about all that much, anyways.

 

(If Taehyung could breathe for laughing, he would.)

 

“Tae.” whispers Jungkook, his eyes turning watery and glassy to match Taehyung’s broken gaze, his voice edging on desperation.

 

Jungkook slinks forwards to him, looking remarkably like a predator stalking its prey, and forcing Taehyung to back up until his back hits the wall. Taehyung looks at the floor, at the wall over Jungkook’s shoulder, anywhere but his face.

 

“Tae...” Jungkook breathes. “Look at me.”

 

Taehyung can feel Jungkook’s breath as it fans over him, close enough that he can feel the puffs of air in light bursts on his cheeks, brushing delicately, almost like a caress. He allows himself a second before he shoves Jungkook backwards and quickly walks past him.

 

‘ _Where am I going to go?_ ’ he thinks wildly, ‘ _I guess somewhere that’s_ not here _is a pretty good start._ ’

 

“Then, I can just choose for you. _Please_ , just...go.” says Taehyung. He’s had about enough by now. If Jungkook wants to only care about his own feelings, that’s fine, but that means Taehyung has to care for his own.

 

“No. Not until you listen to me.” says Jungkook, with that stubborn tone that has almost always gotten him what he wants.

 

“I’ve heard everything you had to say.” says Taehyung, keeping his eyes on the wall in front of him and keeping his voice low to prevent it from breaking. “And you said you can’t figure out if you love me as your friend or more than that. So I’ve decided that I’ll be your friend when I get over this. So until then, just leave me alone...”

 

Having Jungkook this close again, inches from where he wishes he would be, is torturous. It was almost better when he had no idea of Jungkook’s true feelings. At least then, he could pretend he wasn’t about to get his heart stomped on. But here, like this,

he feels exposed; vulnerable in a way that he _always_ seems to be, especially around Jungkook, even if Jungkook hardly ever shows the same vulnerability in return.

 

He doesn’t notice that his hands are clenching into fists until soft-rough hands are spinning him around and guiding his hands upwards (slowly, delicately, in a way that Taehyung doesn’t think should be possible with all the desperate, violent emotions seeping throughout the room), unfurling them gently. His hands are held captive between them, Jungkook rubbing little patterns on the backs of Taehyung’s hands with his thumbs.

 

“I may not know if I _love_ you yet,” whispers Jungkook “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t know I have feelings for you, ones that make _this_ feel right.”

 

Tenderly, Jungkook takes the hands clasped in his own  and brings them up to his mouth to press tender kisses to them; feather light and barely a brush of his lips. Taehyung can feel his chest flutter at the motion and curses himself internally. He could never refuse Jungkook anything, even if it meant that he’d end up hurt in the end.

 

“Can I try something?” asks Jungkook, and Taehyung finally gathers the courage to look him in the face through his bangs, his thoughts still a little jumbled and confused, like his brain is only processing things from under several feet of water.

 

Jungkook cups his face, using his thumbs to carefully brush away a couple of slowly falling tears that escape Taehyung’s eyes. The expression on his face is tender and vulnerable in a way that Taehyung has never imagined possible from Jungkook. It’s like he is seeing Taehyung properly for the first time and wants to live in this moment for as long as he is allowed.

 

(And if Taehyung wants to crawl in under Jungkook’s skin in return, well, that’s _his_ business.)

 

“Yes,” breathes Taehyung, once he realizes he was asked a question.

 

(He has no idea what it is that he’s agreed to.)

 

(But, honestly, Jungkook could do whatever he wanted to him and Taehyung would let him. He’ll take whatever is given him and beg for more.)

 

And then he realizes that Jungkook is _right there._ Close enough that he can see the irises in Jungkook’s eyes have blown wide, close enough that he could count individual eyelashes if he so chooses, close enough that if he were to shift forward even a millimetre, their lips would touch.

 

And he is so, _so_ warm.

 

There’s a pause that hangs in the air, like the breath of air before the dive...

 

And then he’s kissing him.

 

Taehyung lets his underlying fears slip away then, melting into the kiss. He’s glad that Jungkook is strong enough to hold him up as his knees go a little weak at the flutter he feels in his chest spreading throughout his body like a chill.

 

Unlike the last time they’d done this, drowning in passion, and rushing to devour each other, this kiss is slower, and somehow more delicate, but no less passionate and deep. Taehyung takes a moment to savour the way their lips seem to just move together perfectly, like they were made to fit this way.

 

He notices that Jungkook tastes of something utterly familiar to Taehyung: all sweet and sour, minus the alcohol from last time but with the added metallic tang from the just dried blood on Jungkook’s lips. He also notices that Jungkook smells of all the things that make up his idea of home. Something about Jungkook’s particular scent has always made him feel safe and warm.

 

They stand there pressed together for a long time; Jungkook’s hands on Taehyung’s jaw, pressing gently, as if to mimic placing little kisses along it. Taehyung’s own hands somehow find themselves on Jungkook’s hips, pulling him a little closer, to feel the other boy’s warmth beneath his fingertips.

 

Eventually, several decades later, Jungkook pulls back and presses his forehead to Taehyung’s, both of them breathing heavily.

 

Taehyung basks in Jungkook’s warmth that radiates outwards in the space between them. He keeps his eyes shut and sighs, feeling the dark tension that had been pulling him apart dissipating slightly and leaving him feeling lighter than he has in a long while.

 

(Or maybe it’s the lack of oxygen in his kiss-addled brain.)

 

“I may not love you just yet,” breathes Jungkook delicately into the space between them, as if even breathing too loudly would break the moment. “But if you’d let me try, I think I could.”

 

Taehyung opens his eyes slowly, coming out of the bright, quiet space they had created for themselves. He looks into Jungkook’s eyes that are hooded but open, and so, so earnest.

 

“Okay,” he smiles simply.

 

Jungkook just grins beatifically in response, positively glowing in happiness.

 

“Wanna go play Overwatch?” asks Taehyung, the tension finally dissipating the rest of the way. The months of no contact revert back to the comfort they always seem to experience when it’s just the two of them. No pressure, no expectations, just them.

 

“Sure.”

 

“We should probably get you cleaned up first, though” giggles Taehyung “You’ve got blood all over you.”

 

“Oh,” says Jungkook looking a little surprised and examining his knuckles which are encrusted with dried blood in many places. “Okay,”

 

“You can just change into some of your clothes from some other time. I washed them all,” says Taehyung “What happened anyway?”

 

“It’s a long story.” says Jungkook sheepishly “I’ll tell you about it later.”

 

Taehyung cocks his head to the side, insides burning with curiosity, but refrains from asking.

 

(At least, for a little while. Somethings are best heard over many a plate of food.)

 

And just like that, they’re okay again. Of course nothing can erase the months apart fully, but Taehyung likes to think that they’ve come to a sort of understanding.

 

(As they play, Jungkook smiles that beautiful smile that could melt a glacier during a blizzard and sneaks little kisses onto Taehyung’s cheeks every so often.)

  
( _‘Yeah,’_ he thinks with a fond smile, _‘we’re okay.’_ )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY! A happy ending! I literally sat and tried to write a sad ending but then I couldn't because I hate to put the children through pain, so...yeah. Tae and Kookie get a happy ending...
> 
> BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE
> 
> That's right, ladies, gents and otherwise: I'm currently writing the Epilogue for this story! Yay!
> 
> (And also a bunch of other stuff that is from the same universe, but ended up not actually fitting into the story, including the story of why Kook is all beat up at the end of the story...but who knows when any of that will be done so...please be patient.)
> 
> Until the Epilogue for now, then, everyone :)


	4. Epilogue: Surface

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god...
> 
> Did I just...finish something I'd started???
> 
> Holy shit???
> 
> Lol, anyways. This is the end of this fic guys.
> 
> It's super short (like only a third or so of the other chapters) because I originally had another idea for this, but then I actually read it and...yeah, no.
> 
> So here's what I have for you instead. I hope you enjoy!

**_Epilogue:_ ** **Surface**

 

_ I know what you're feeling, _

_ 'Cause I feel it as well. _

_ You don't have to say, "I love you," to say I love you, _

_ Forget all the shooting stars and all the silver moons, _

_ We've been making shades of purple out of red and blue, _

_ Sickeningly sweet like honey, don't need money, _

_ All I need is you... _

 

**_..._ **

 

Even now, a week after everything seems to have gone back to normal, shifting as though the world had been slanted and is now righted once again, Taehyung can hardly believe that he is allowed to be sitting here, right now; next to Jungkook, waiting for their Hyungs.

 

Surprisingly enough, nothing really changes in the dynamics of their relationship. They still goof off around town, and play videogames together, and tease each other to death, and play pranks on their Hyungs.

 

(Even if they do kiss now, and linger in each others’ presence a little more, and intertwine themselves a little more.)

 

“Hey, guys.” grins Jimin as he slides into the booth across from the two boys, interrupting Taehyung's line of thought.

 

“Hey, brats.” smiles Yoongi gummily, as he slides in next to Jimin, throwing an arm around his waist calmly.

 

“Hi Hyungs,” grins Taehyung, slipping a hand into Jungkook’s at the feel of his sudden tenseness next to him.

 

“We’re here!” calls Hoseok cheerily as he slides in next to Taehyung, Jin sliding in next to Yoongi and Namjoon sitting at the head of the table.

 

“Let’s get lots of meat,” says Jin with a smile “Taehyung looks like he’d be blown over by a strong breeze.” 

 

“Hey,” says Hoseok indignantly “I’m  _ trying _ to go on a healthy diet, here.”

 

“Then don’t eat it.” says Yoongi with a shrug, although his eyes soften and the corners of his mouth turn up.

 

“That’s not how it  _ works _ ,” whines Hoseok dramtically.

 

“I agree,” cuts in Jungkook “Taehyungie-hyung is way too thin right now.”

 

Jimin raises an eyebrow in amusement and chuckles.

 

“He  _ is _ , isn’t he?”

 

“I don’t think I’m  _ that _ thin, am I?” asks Taehyung, cocking his head to the side.

 

“You’re thinner than normal,” shrugs Jungkook innocently.

 

“It’s because you eat only ramen all the time.” says Jin, with his best disapproving mom stare.

 

It’s then that the first plate of food arrives and they all begin to dish up, so busy shovelling food into their mouths that there is hardly room for conversation.

 

“We, uh, we have something to tell you.” says Jungkook nervously, half-way through the meal, as his hands find the back of his neck and he shifts in his seat a couple of times. Taehyung has to place a gentle hand on his thigh to still its incessant shaking.

 

“Did you finally get your crap together?” asks Yoongi bluntly “I hope so. My weeks were this and the last one.”

 

“Damn it,” mutters Jin, after a moment of studying their faces. He smacks his palm onto the table, and blushes when the other patrons of the restaurant turn to stare at their table. “I had this week and the next”

 

“I had next week and the week after,” shrugs Jimin, clearly unbothered, although probably because he knew that Yoongi would inevitably end up sharing with him.

 

“I had the week before last,” sighs Hoseok longsufferingly “Why couldn’t you guys have hurried it along a little?”

 

“Don’t look at me,” says Namjoon, putting his hands up placatingly. “I decided not to join, so...”

 

“Wait...let me get this straight. You bet on when we would get together?” splutters Jungkook. Taehyung merely stares around the table in thinly veiled disbelief.

 

“And you are the Hyungs. Yeah.  _ Right _ .” says Taehyung drily, before pausing thoughtfully. 

 

“Honestly...I’m not that surprised.”

 

“If it makes you feel any better, it really only picked up the night after that party.” says Yoongi with a shrug, completely unrepentant.

 

“Gee, thanks for thinking of our feelings, Hyung.” says Jungkook drily, “I’m surprised you remember that people actually have them.”

 

“Yah!” exclaims Jimin in annoyance “Look who’s talking.”

 

“He’s kind of got you there, Jungkookie,” says Taehyung with a giggle.

 

“Hyung!” whines Jungkook “Who’s side are you on?”

 

“He’s on my side,” says Namjoon, with a deadpan look. “The side of not getting involved in your dumb shit.”

 

“I like that side” says Hoseok seriously, which is how Taehyung knows he’s kidding. “I’m joining.”

 

“I hate you all” groans Jungkook as he angrily attacks his food with his chopsticks. “Why do I even hang out with you guys?”

 

“Because you love and appreciate us and our company dearly,” says Yoongi drily “Why else?”

 

The whole table bursts into raucous laughter as Jungkook struggles to keep his sulky pout on his face, his lips twitching in an effort to keep a straight face.

 

“Oh, be quiet.” He pouts grumpily.

 

“It’s okay, Kookie,” says Taehyung softly, placing an arm around his shoulders. “I’m always on your side.”

 

“You two are disgusting, already,” says Yoongi with a wrinkled nose. “You make me want to puke rainbows or something.”

 

“Like you and Jimin-Hyung are any better?” scoffs Jungkook as he shifts further into Taehyung’s side.

 

“He’s got you there Yoongi-Hyung,” says Hoseok “You seem like each other’s ‘first love’ all the time. I’ve actually been asked if you’re married, before.”

 

“What about Namjoon-Hyung and Jin-Hyung?” asks Taehyung suddenly “Mom and Dad are probably the worst of all of us.”

 

“Yah! What are you saying?!” exclaims Jin, his face flushing a violent red. Namjoon isn’t far behind, the pink spreading high on his cheeks clearly visible, even on his darkened skin.

 

The other boys exchange looks and eye rolls.

 

“Nothing...” they all reply unanimously before bursting into another round of laughter.

 

Taehyung reclines back into the seat and looks over his Hyungs joking and laughing and having a good time. 

 

“What is it?” asks Jungkook quietly, as their Hyungs laugh and roll their eyes at something Hoseok had done with his students.

 

“What's what?” asks Taehyung, equally as quietly.

 

“You’re smiling really brightly, and you have this look in your eyes.”

 

Taehyung glances up to his Hyungs who are all watching them curiously now.

 

“Nothing,” he says, with a bright smile on his face. A goofy one that all his friends laugh at. It’s the kind of laugh that starts off casually, but in the process of calming down and exchanging looks with each other, becomes more like choking than laughter. When you laugh so hard and so well that it feels as if a weight has been lifted from your chest, filling you with good feelings and a lightness that makes your skin buzz.

 

Jungkook leans against him, half-delirious in mirth. Yoongi and Jimin lean against each other with Hoseok slumped over the table. Jin and Namjoon are rocking in their chairs, Namjoon smacking his hand against the table every so often.

 

‘ _How could I have ever thought I was drowning?_ ’ he thinks.

  
(And with that, he knows he’s home.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all of the kudos and comments left on this story. They really made me so happy to think that people actually read and enjoyed my rambling.
> 
> This is the official end to the story, but never fear, cause I still have a thing or two from this universe that are coming real soon, so stay tuned for that. 
> 
> Cheers!


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